Millions of people across the nation this morning rushed out of the house early to pick up the second free issue of the NME, enticed by Robert Pattinson (“the ex-vampire”) on the cover and fantastic, not to mention incredibly topical, 20 Things You Should Know About Jeremy Corbyn listicle. Alongside the top, top, top tier content on offer — which includes a Ghostbusters preview, some Topman adverts, and a glowing review of a new episode of the Simpsons — was this stunning history lesson.
That’s it, that’s the entire history of house right there. Thank you, NME, for teaching us that house music, a genre owing it’s birth to among others—a legendary black man by the name of Frankie Knuckles, in Chicago, was actuallyinvented in 1989 by two white men from England, then hit the big time in 2001 courtesy of a pair of white men from France, and then finally became cool in 2013 thanks to well, another white man from England.
With our brains nearing capacity with this newfound knowledge on how perhaps of the greatest music on earth truly came to be, we figured it best to just go ahead and finish up NME’s history project by penning up the following genre histories they’re planning to run over the next few weeks.
A Brief History of Techno via Three Classic Records
The Jokes One
Zig & Zag – “Them Girls (12″ Zog Club Mix)”
Techno was serious music for serious people and that was seriously boring. Two bloody hilarious puppets changed all that. Techno was about making us smile thanks to the legendary Zig and Zag!
Ian Van Dahl – “Castles in the Sky”
Techno was funny music for funny people and that was seriously boring. One Dutch legend changed all that. Techno was about making us cry thanks to the weepy maestro himself Mr Ian Van Dahl!
The Ass Shaker
Moby – “Why Does my Heart Feel So Bad”
Techno was about making us cry and that was seriously boring. One little lady changed all that! Techno was now all about making us bust a groove in the night club thanks to notable white male Moby!
A Brief History of Garage via Three Classic Records
The Mental One
3 of a Kind – “Babycakes”
The thing about UK garage was that it was the sound of the streets. This tune used to get the re-rewind treatment all the time on the streets, which was helpful because UK garage was the sound of the streets.
The Sexy One
True Steppers and Dane Bowers ft. Victoria Beckham – “Out of Your Mind”
The thing about UK garage was that it was the sound of sexiness. The tune used to get the re-rewind treatment all the time in the sheets, which was helpful because UK garage was the sound of sexiness.
The Skater’s Choice
MJ Cole – “Sincere”
The thing about UK garage was that it was the sound of ice skating competitions all around the country. This tune used to get the re-rewind treatment all the time in heats, which was helpful because UK garage was the sound of ice skating competitions.
A Brief History of D&B via Three Classic Records
The Massive One
DJ Fresh ft. Rita Ora – “Hot Right Now”
One of the first D&B classics, this classic still sounds as classic now as it did when it was first released as a classic.
The Naughty but Nice One
Simply Red – “So Jungiful”
Red haired shagger extraordinaire Mick Hucknall was pivotal to the D&B scene supporting many key release that he managed to listen to inbetween shagging soap actresses. Mick Hucknall has had sex with a lot of people even though he is ginger.
The Classic Beyond Compare
Rudimental ft John Newman – “Feel the Love”
A true classic from D&B pioneers Rudimental. Legendary. Simply legendary.